Prudent Partner Pick by Duke Jayaraj

 

“No girl liked me!”
“I couldn’t marry because no girl liked me!”  quipped India’s former Prime Minister A. B. Vajpayee (reported in The Week magazine). For many young guys or girls today, that is not the problem. On the contrary there are far too many wanting to marry them and they are confused as to which one they should say, “I do” to! “Whom will I marry?”  “With whom will I walk down the aisle?”  “Who’ll be the pop/mom for my babies?” “With whom will I wake up for the rest of my life?” Those questions cross young people’s minds constantly. Sure, young people’s mind muse over such queries, time and again. Choosing the person you will marry is in my opinion the most important decision apart from your decision to follow Christ. And what is more – it is a decision that should be kept for your entire life. You can change your computer printer but not your life partner (I Cor 7:11)! Sure you must put a lot of thought before you choose the person to whom you will say in the church before beaming onlookers, “For better or worse, till death do us part, I will love you with every beat in my heart!” (As one popular singer put it. Words for the song found at www.tsrocks.com on 9 March 2007). What follows is the Scriptural base for choosing a life mate. Partners won’t be dropped from the heavens! The Scripture tells us that we must “find” a wife (Prov 18:22). There is no “finding” without “searching”! This piece will help you be scriptural in your spouse search. This article will aid you to be biblical in your partner pursuit! Here are eight words you need to keep in mind as you do that:

1. Choose a partner who worships the same GOD as you do!

Mouse and Dog – can they be friends!
That is to say that as a believer you must marry only a believer.  No debates. No questions. Listen to Paul’s words in this regard in contemporary English: “Don’t become partners with those who reject God…Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil?” (II Cor 6:14,15).  Kurt De Haan puts it eloquently: “Oil and water do not mix. A mouse and a dog would not make the best of friends. A person with a paralysing fear of heights would not be a wise choice as a climbing partner to scale Mount Everest…A huskie and a dachshund would not work well together as sledge dogs in the Alaskan wilderness. A follower of Christ would not make a good marriage with a non-believer” (as found in www.rbc.org on 9 March 2007). Though it is sad to state, some young people have no qualms about marrying unbelievers. They argue that they will convert their partners after the wedding. Well. Well. Well. If you think you are wiser than Solomon you can think of attempting something so foolhardy. The “brainiest” man’s brains were brainwashed by the heathen women he married (Neh 13:26)! Yes, Solomon’s was. Some of the women he married were so ungodly that they were forbidden to live even in the palace (II Chron 8:11). Soon, he started worshipping idols the way his pagan wives did. King Ahab sold God’s nation Israel to his Baal-worshipping wife, Jezebel. You see the woman you take with you to bed will most assuredly influence your “head”! In cross-faith marriages, most often than not, the children will have a confusion about whose faith to follow – mom’s or dad’s.  We read of a man born to an Israelite mother (who could be taken to be a believer) and an Egyptian father (who could be taken to be an unbeliever) who blasphemed the Lord (Lev 24:10-12).

2. Choose a partner who has the same GOAL as you do!

Mr. and Mrs. Lot – we have lots like them!
Mr. Lot wanted to escape the carnal city of Sodom and Gommorah. But his wife didn’t think that was a cool idea. That is why she looked back as they were rushing out of the city. Guess what happened? She turned into a pillar of salt. And their marriage froze. Now take a good look at Mr. and Mrs. Noah. Both were united in their goal of escaping the judgment-flood by entering the Ark! The gift of prophecy brought both Mr. and Mrs. Isaiah together. He, a great prophet himself, calls his wife “prophetess” in Isaiah 8:3, did you notice? The priest of Judah, Jehoiada and his wife were united in their goal of safeguarding the God-chosen dynasty of King David. While Jehoiada led the revolt of his nation against the evil queen Athaliah who was out to destroy all the descendants of King David, his wife Jehosheba hid the last survivour of David’s family – Joash – in a bedroom, with a nurse (II Chron 22:11/II Chron 23). Prophet Amos has a question for you: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (3:3). Nope. Marriage is much more than a mere walk down the Church aisle. Instead it is a lifelong walk together with your partner, correct? It is a till-death life stroll together, right?

UBS Vs UBS
Truckloads of youths who committed their lives to join a missionary organisation fulltime have got sidetracked. The reason? They have married partners who haven’t shown even a slight inclination for missions. If your dream is to work for the IEM (the missions agency) while your partner is going gaga about getting a job with IBM (the computer company) you are in for trouble, buddy! You may want to join UBS as a couple after marriage and your spouse too wants to join UBS. “Wow! What a wonderful unity!” you may well think. between the couple. Wait. The UBS you meant was Union Bible Seminary at Pune and the UBS your spouse meant was Union Bank of Switzerland, in Hyderabad! I imagine that Prophetess Huldah married Shallum, the keeper of the Temple robe, because both their jobs involved and revolved around the Temple (II Chron 34:22). A high priest’s wife must be a girl from his clan, we read (Lev 21:13-15). In other words, he must marry a person “with ministry blood” flowing through her veins! The reason I decided to marry Evan, my wife, is not tough to guess: she had decided to be involved in ministry even as a Class Ten student of Santhosa Vidhyalaya, Dohnavur, South India, something I wanted to be since my Class Eight!

3. Choose a partner who belongs to the same GALAXY that you do, at least!

Count the cost of crossing cultures
There is nothing unbiblical about marrying a person from another culture, country or continent. There is nothing marred about marrying even believers from Planet Mars (if there are!). Both Moses and Joseph married girls who were not from their culture. Obviously these girls were believers. Zipporah, the girl Moses married, may have been Egyptian, but she was educated – in the ways of Yahweh. She had great faith in the Abrahamic covenant, which was sealed by the rite of circumcision. It was she – not Moses, mind you – who circumcised their son – a deed that shows that though she was an “outsider” she was out and out for Yahweh (Ex 4:25)! But young people must be warned not to go overboard here. When two persons born to different sets of parents, who have lived under different roofs and cultures, come together to be bonded by marriage, there will invariably be some adjustment problems. Certainly! But after only having counted the cost of such adjustments and alignments I would advise you to step into cross-cultural marriages. Jesus said that before we build a building, we better sit down and count the cost! And remember that marriage and family life is a building according to the Psalmist who mouthed, “Unless the Lord builds the house….” (Psa 127:1 NKJV).  Again, saying ‘no’ to one proposal after another purely on the basis of caste considerations, is deplorable, to say the least! In Christ’s family “there is no longer Jew nor Greek…for you are all Christians – you are one in Christ Jesus” (Gal 3:28)!

4. Choose a partner who seems GORGEOUS to you!

Beauty which tape can’t measure
Wanting to marry a “beautiful” or “handsome” person is quite normal. If an unmarried Israelite soldier discovered a beautiful prisoner of war he could marry her – this was one of 613 Laws that God gave Israel through Moses, can you believe it? The Bible specifically records that the wives of each of the three Old Testament Patriarchs – Abraham, Isaac and Jacob – were particularly pretty. The modern implication of Genesis 29:17 is that Rachel, the wife of Jacob, would have given Priyanka Chopra (a former Miss World from India) a run for her money by her stunning gorgeousness! You probably never noticed this: Prophet Ezekiel’s pet name for his wife was “the delight of my eyes!” (Check out Ezek 24:16!). So what is the lesson? Marry a person who looks beautiful to you for “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder!”. But wait a second! Do not make beauty the conclusive factor in the finalizing of your life partner. Samson did. He saw a Philistine woman – obviously beautiful –  in Timnah and wanted her to be his wife, instantly (Jud 14:2). This wife of Samson cheated on him (Jud 14:17). For the “sons of God” who married the “daughters of men” beauty seemed to be the only issue (Gen 6:1-2). God’s judgment on this lust came swiftly (Gen 6:3). Remember that beauty is fleeting (Prov 31:10). Charm that tape can’t measure – character that is – must be the deciding factor when it comes to life partner choice. Not too many girls wanted to marry this plain-looking doctor who was a missionary to the lepers of Orissa. “We’ll catch leprosy!” they perhaps thought. But not Gladys. When she married Graham Staines no one told her that her husband would be one of the greatest names in World Mission History! See what you stand to gain if you looked beyond the looks! Oh how many young people miss a girl with the character of a Mother Teresa because they are only looking for the charm of a Bipasha (the actress)!

5. The partner you choose must be in the same GRADE more or less as you are!

Engineer Vs Engine Driver
Moses, a shepherd, married a shepherd girl. Jacob did the very same thing. But what about Abigail? This intelligent and beautiful woman married an absolute fool and her married life was far from cool (See I Sam 25)! If a sharp-witted engineer marries a dull-headed engine driver, he is asking for trouble! If an high-IQ pilot is planning to spend the rest of his life with a low-IQ potter then we better check if his IQ is really high! You see marriage is not about having sex all the time! But it is all about communication. It is all about talking with your partner. It is all about connecting with your mate. And for this to transpire, both of you should more or less be in the same IQ level – same grade! A prudent man will ask the Lord for a “prudent” wife (Prov 19:14).

6. Choose a partner without being all-eyes on the GRANT he or she can give you!

Catherine Zeta Jones’s catch
The other day I read that Hollywood actress Catherine Zeta Jones signed an agreement that ensured she would get a sizable chunk of Michael Douglas’ massive 150 million pound fortune, even before marrying him, in case their marriage broke because Douglas being unfaithful to her (learnt from news.bbc.co.uk on 9 March 2007)! Not only Catherine Zeta Jones but many young people marry with an eye on the several “m”s’ their partners may have: money, muscles, mobike and mobile. Cherry Walia’s stated, “Now all that matters (when it comes to the choice of a life-partner for Indian youth) is facts (cheque books) and figures (looks)” (quoted by Samar Halarnkar in India Today, 15 February 1999). This crass commercialization of “holy” matrimony is appalling, pal! Many believer girls of today would resent the way their parents “sold” them to their husbands the way Jacob’s wives did (Gen. 31:15). Sure, a couple needs money to set up a new home. In that case the attitude that both the newlyweds should have should be: “I bring what I have and you bring what you have. Contentedly, let’s begin our life together!” Recall the verse in Hebrews  “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have…” (Heb 13:5). Incidentally that verse comes immediately after a marriage-verse that goes “Marriage is honorable among all…” (Heb 13:4)!

7. Before you finalise the candidate you want to marry, seek GUIDANCE!

When even Godly parents go wrong
Samson and Esau threw away sound parental advice that in-effect was, “Do not marry an idol-worshipping pagan girl!” And their marriages were far from happy. Isaac was in compliance with his dad’s idea that their trusted servant should travel 400 miles to get a Yahweh-worshipping girl for him. The girl he married was a solace to him when his mom passed away. At the same time one must be careful not to merely nod his/her head to a marriage proposal which even godly parents may suggest. One of the most godly kings that ruled Judah, a man known for his desire to know the will of God, King Jehoshaphat arranged  his son Jehoram’s marriage to the daughter of his contemporary king in Israel. That marriage ruined his son’s life (II Chron 18:1/21:6). The girl Jehoshaphat’s son married was none other than Athaliah, the daughter of King Ahab and Queen Jezebel, who was out to kill all the surviving members of David’s family – the family handpicked by God to rule Israel forever (II Chron 21:5/22:2). Your spiritual leader – your pastor or Christian leader you respect – may be a good person to get guidance regarding marriage. Pastor Paul was quite involved in the marriage matters of his church (See I Corinthians 7/ Romans 7).

8. If a person you are cool with claims to love you, look for a GUARANTEE!

Playing the “Hard-to-get” game!
By the word ‘guarantee’ here I mean commitment. Too many girls (or guys) go head over heels when a guy (or a girl) comes and proposes marriage to them. They do not stop to check whether the boy shows evidence of his commitment to marry her. They do not cease to say to the concerned, “Don’t love me for fun, girl. Let me be the one, girl!” (as Boyzone group so eloquently put it - song lyrics as found in www.tsrocks.com on 9 March 07).  David’s love for Saul’s daughter was a love locked in commitment. Or else would he have killed 200 Philistine soldiers when his father-in-law wanted him to kill just 100 to marry his daughter (I Sam 18:25,27)?! Boaz’s affection for Ruth was quite deep. When the person who was supposed to marry her backed out, he stuck his neck out to marry her! Play the “hard-to-get” game – instead of saying “yes” to the first proposal you get at marriageable age – to sift the pure from the phony.  Take time to gauge the love of the commitment-shy chap swearing love to you  - see if he merely wants a weekend or a wife! Someone has smartly and correctly said, “Marry in haste and repent at leisure!”

If you follow the above steps, you can be assured that the partner you pick is God’s will for you. Keep these Bible principles in mind when your parents bring a marriage proposal for you and you can be certain that you will not miss out on God’s will for you! Don’t keep on postponing your life partner choice looking for the “perfect” partner! There isn’t one!